In these unprecedented times of daily day-drinking and wearing the same pizza sauce stained sweatpants as yesterday (and also the day before, but we really don’t need to discuss that), romantic prospects for the perpetually single woman seem grim. It feels unfair that I am constantly reminded of the most privileged class of women- the WWB (woman with boyfriend). There should be some type of monetary compensation for listening to a WWB talk about how she gets to mouth kiss amidst a social lock down.
You may think that quarantining with your hot boyfriend is the ideal situation. Trust me- it’s not. Sleeping in the same bed as somebody seems fun until you realize that you can’t fall asleep because their floor mattress is uncomfortable. And they snore. And maybe they should go get that checked out. Because it’s not normal for somebody in their early twenties to snore like that, right?
The modern woman knows that being in love is only conceptually appealing. The joy of romance is in the mere possibility of being able to act out that one scene in The Notebook where they make out in the rain, but it is to never actually be attempted. Do you really think I will look hot while soaking wet? I won’t. And you probably won’t be able to pick me up. And I’ll feel fat and ignore you for a few hours.
The Notebook is a sci-fi movie. All romance films seem to function in an alternate state of reality, especially romantic comedies. Luckily, we are currently living in the closest thing to a dystopian movie that I can think of. It’s sort of like The Hunger Games. Everybody is killing each other, but instead of trained archers ending your life, it’s frat boys coughing on each other in the line outside of a bar as they wait for a $9 AMF.
Now is the time for the single woman to capitalize on the apocalypse-adjacent state of the world. Quarantine provides you with the perfect circumstances to act out your own rom-com. There has never been a more opportune occasion to indulge in the fantasy life that you have always hoped for. What better time to engage in a perfectly idealized and exciting whirlwind romance than when you can never actually meet your romantic partner!
STEP ONE: Find your love interest.
This could be the boy that followed you around your favorite bar for two hours trying to talk to you about Pavement or your high school crush that has recently moved back in with his parents and definitely still remembers you when you were ugly. Hit up your favorite ex and your least favorite ex. Don’t forget the boy that you drunkenly hooked up with three times who would be scared if he found out you refer to him as an ex.
Now is really not the time to be picky. Any boy that will play along with your plotline will suffice. In fact, who you choose is the least of your worries. You are the main character, after all.
STEP TWO: Choose your unrealistic archetypal female lead.
Quarantine is the perfect time to finally admit to yourself that you kind of liked it when a bunch of boys (2 boys) called you “Ramona Flowers” when you dyed two strips of your hair blue in 2018. Here are some female archetypes to try out while you craft your love story:
The Manic Pixie Pandemic Girl
She’s so unique. Fun. Mysterious. But that might only be because she’s wearing a mask, and you can never tell what she’s emoting. You like it that way. It’s way easier to project your own romantic desires onto her. You can, like, tell she’s really quirky and stuff, though. I think I heard her playing The Smiths earlier.
The Pretty Woman
She’s like the Vivian Ward of 2020. She’s beautiful and seductive. An entrepreneur of sorts. And, yes, her OnlyFans link is in her bio.
The WFH Hottie
She’s mature. She’s independent. She has no time for love; she has her career to focus on. Even during a pandemic, she is on her grind. Just please do not look at her laptop screen. I promise that she is finishing the assignment that her boss gave to her on Monday. It’s taking longer than usual? No, she hasn’t been spending her entire workday watching YouTube videos with titles like “Britney Spears Hot Compilation” and “Waking a Sleeping Bunny by Surrounding Him with Dill”. She’s just a perfectionist. Duh.
The One That the Movie Executives Made Clumsy Since They Needed to Give Her a Flaw
She’s perfect. Literally. I can’t think of a single thing wrong with her. She’s super-model gorgeous, kind, and popular. Oh, but she falls down a lot. It makes sense. She’s been drinking since 10:30 AM to curb her quarantine boredom.
STEP THREE: Deepen the Plot
This step is easy because a global pandemic supplies enough drama to keep the plot interesting. You don’t even have to act that crazy! The great thing about a quarantine rom-com is the freedom to embellish. Life in quarantine can be mundane, so feel free to spice it up. Burst out into tears the first time that you talk to him on Zoom. Accuse him of e-dating other girls. Stage a house fire, perhaps. Don’t worry about being caught in a lie. He definitely does not care enough to fact check.
With this essential guide, you are now ready to live out your own pandemic themed romantic comedy and fall in love. Or have sex once post-rona and never speak again, because you realize that you actually hate spending time together. Either-or.